She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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