i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
