I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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