I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
