I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
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Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
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You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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