Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
