your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
