I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
A+ Viking dick
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
