at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
my shit smells like andre
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
