the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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