I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
