Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
