Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
