my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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