You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
