Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
