Whatcha textin bout Willis?
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
