twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
