I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
