Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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