Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
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