He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
