I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
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another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
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Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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