the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I got inside last night via doggy door
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
