get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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