Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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