I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
