GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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