Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
