well I can't set my house on fire every night
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
