My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
You are a genius and a whore.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
