That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Randomize
