i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
