Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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