dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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