Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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