I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Randomize
