A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Your face is a jimmy john
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
