all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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