My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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