Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
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