Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
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She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
She bit a glass in half.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
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Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize