We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
