I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
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Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
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The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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