i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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