apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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