dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
