I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
