Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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