I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
