News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
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