I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
