Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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