my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
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