he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
