It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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