I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
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she said she was living bicuriously through me.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
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Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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