u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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