I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Randomize
