Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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