if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
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