it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
