I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
birth control should be required to get into college
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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